I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
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My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
they really do be looking like this
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.