Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
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DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table