While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
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Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep