If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
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My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*