When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
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When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
This kid will have a bright future.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.