Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
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Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
i prefer mine room temperature.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.