My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
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The glockness monster
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.