*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
You Might Also Like
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Uh oh…
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question