they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
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[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*