Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
You Might Also Like
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else