Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
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[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
This raises questions
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert