[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
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Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Is this you?
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.