Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of WilliamAder's best tweets

@WilliamAder : Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

@WilliamAder: Trying to convince my wife I said "adieu," instead of "I do," at our wedding, but she's not buying it.

@WilliamAder: Our cat doesn't like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

@WilliamAder: There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

@WilliamAder: The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

@WilliamAder: If you've got one of those video doorbells, don't be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

@WilliamAder: Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

@WilliamAder: "We're gonna need more chalk."
- detective who discovers my body

@WilliamAder: Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

@WilliamAder: Hearing aid salesman: You'll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.