@WilliamAder : Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
@WilliamAder: Trying to convince my wife I said "adieu," instead of "I do," at our wedding, but she's not buying it.
@WilliamAder: Our cat doesn't like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
@WilliamAder: There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
to the fridge for a snack.
@WilliamAder: The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
@WilliamAder: If you've got one of those video doorbells, don't be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
@WilliamAder: Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
@WilliamAder: "We're gonna need more chalk."
- detective who discovers my body
@WilliamAder: Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
@WilliamAder: Hearing aid salesman: You'll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.