@WilliamAder: Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
@WilliamAder: Me: Haven't shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
@WilliamAder: Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
@WilliamAder: They've got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won't take out the garbage if there's a moth on the screen door.
@WilliamAder: Found a YouTube channel that's just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
@WilliamAder: I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
@WilliamAder: Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
@WilliamAder: My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
@WilliamAder: One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.