@WilliamAder: Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
@WilliamAder: Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it's easier to get pandas to mate.
@WilliamAder: If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I'm gonna need those back.
@WilliamAder: As it turns out, if you're with a group of people, it's "Christmas caroling." If you do it alone it's "creating a public nuisance."
@WilliamAder: I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning's office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
@WilliamAder: Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.