@WilliamAder: Nurse at the doctor's office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
@WilliamAder: Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
@WilliamAder: "Grammies" is a shortening of "gramophones." Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) "Phonies."
@WilliamAder: Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
@WilliamAder: Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a "runner's high" is.