Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
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Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.