7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
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[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
😂🤣😂🤣
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.