cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
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waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe