Funny Tweeter

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Page of WoodyLuvsCoffee's best tweets

@WoodyLuvsCoffee : *Screaming at kids at soccer practice LADY: Which one is yours? ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name "Chancellor Parsons" which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don't remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: IF THEY'RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN'T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: My new yoga instructor's name is Matt so I called him "Yoga Matt" & he said "yeah, don't ever call me that". Yoga Matt isn't very zen.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: *Goes to zoo to see the world's oldest tortoise.

Guide: He's over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?