Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of WoodyLuvsCoffee's best tweets

@WoodyLuvsCoffee : VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide. ME: I can’t run either.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: *Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name "Chancellor Parsons" which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don't remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: IF THEY'RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN'T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.