@WoodyLuvsCoffee: MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name "Chancellor Parsons" which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don't remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: IF THEY'RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN'T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: My new yoga instructor's name is Matt so I called him "Yoga Matt" & he said "yeah, don't ever call me that". Yoga Matt isn't very zen.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: *Goes to zoo to see the world's oldest tortoise.
Guide: He's over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Netflix: Are you still watching?
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?