Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
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astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Lmbo
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
remember
only for emergencies
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.