Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
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My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.