ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
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Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Meeeee too!
oh shit
This is why I hate group projects
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’