Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
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What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
#SuperBowl
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable