Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
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Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.