my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right