“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
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Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it