being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
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I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.