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CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
the red hot silly peppers
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
dude it’s called proctologist
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.