respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
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Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
They got Raph!
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?