Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
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Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
three things we don’t talk about
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
What is going on? 😅
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.