Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
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The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.