*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
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My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.