[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
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[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?