Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
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Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.