Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
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She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Try and stop me.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.