Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
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When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.