McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
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Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.