Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
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Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
hmm conte-me mais
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Two types of dogs.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.