Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
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Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally