I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
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I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
new career option?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.