I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
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[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Come back with a warrant
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.