My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
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The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.