No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
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We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.