Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
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My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.