If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
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If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met