I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
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A friend sent me this.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand