FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days