Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
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My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.