Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
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Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices