*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
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the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?