*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO