[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
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If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
All set.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.